I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
