I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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