I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
