i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
