is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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