end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
