Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
A bitchslap is in order.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
