I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
