where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Randomize
