apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
