since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I checked into jail on foursquare
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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