Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
