I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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