I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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