i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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