He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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