You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
