i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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