It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
