Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
