I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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