I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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