Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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