The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
