ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
