I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
