he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
