guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
