please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
