I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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