I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you never un-have a 4some
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
