I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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