I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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