I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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