we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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