if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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