i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
