You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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