I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
