Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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