I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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