K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
