She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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