uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
