What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
