can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
