I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just made out with a guy for $7.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
