it hurts more in the daytime
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
