you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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