you traded sex for a burrito?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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