Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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